A Haunted House Review

A Haunted House

0.5 star out of 4

By Brett Takeshita

A Haunted House is garbage. It's not only the worst film I've seen thus far in 2013, but it's also one of the worst films I've ever seen in my entire life.

A Haunted House is a spoof of the ever popular "found-footage horror films" that have been popping up more often than stupid cat videos on YouTube. This film follows Malcolm (Marlon Wayans) and Kisha (Essence Atkins), two young and happy lovers. The couple decides to move into a new house, but things start to go awry. Objects are moving around the house, weird noises are springing up, and dark shadows are appearing randomly. Soon, Kisha is convinced that their house is haunted and wishes to get rid of the ghost -- or demon -- that may or may not be ruining their lives.

I'm pretty sure that I've just done a disservice to my review by trying to make the plot sound better than it actually is. And before you call me a prude with a stick up my you-know-where, let me explain some things:

1) I'm a fan of spoof movies. Scary Movie, Date Movie, and even that oh so hated Epic Movie. Yes, I enjoyed all of these movies. 

2) I'm a fan of Marlon Wayans. The critically-maligned White Chicks happens to be one of my favorite comedies of all time. Yes, I'm being serious.

3) I'm a fan of found-footage films. A Haunted House draws from a wide variety of these movies such as Paranormal Activity, The Devil Inside, and The Last Exorcism, among others. I've seen many of these and enjoyed them quite a bit.

So considering the fact that A Haunted House combines all three of these elements, this film should have been a home-run for me and for others who enjoy all of the above. However, it's not.

Let's start with the biggest problem: A Haunted House is not funny. At all. No joke. Marlon Wayans and Rick Alvarez co-wrote what is without a doubt the most unfunny, dreadful script in ages. Look, I can appreciate middle school boy humor just like anyone else, but here, it's just cringe-inducing for all the wrong reasons. An occasional fart joke can be funny. But when you have minutes of screen time devoted to farting and pooping, that just feels forced and painfully unfunny. Then, there's just tons of crude jokes involving race and sex. As a usual fan of these jokes, I was stunned at how much of a let-down they were. They are stupid and entirely unoriginal. I won't be surprised if people are offended by some of the mean-spirited humor that's misogynistic and homophobic. (I wasn't, fortunately). And lastly, the attempts at fun slap-stick humor and visual gags fail miserably. They lack punch and life. They're just boring and occasionally maddening, as they'll make you check your watch just to see when they will end.

However, Wayans and Alvarez aren't the only ones to blame. Director Michael Tiddes also deserves some heat for having little sense of creativity, rhythm, momentum, and comedic timing. However, it's unfortunate that he had such a terrible script to work off of. Perhaps something with even an ounce of good humor could have made A Haunted House somewhat tolerable.

Okay, I'll lay back a little bit and focus on some things that are positive -- or I guess I should say, not awful. First of all, Tiddes knows his source material rather well. He takes the same shots and frames from these found-footage horror films and reconstructs them in his movie. Fans of Paranormal Activity will recognize the fan-camera and security cameras in the house. That's a little cool... I guess. Also, the supporting cast (notice that I didn't say the lead actors) tries to do its best with the poor material. Cedric the Entertainer, Nick Swardson, David Koechner, Marlene Forte, Andrew Daly, and Alanna Ubach all go for it with a commendable bravery. They don't hold back and really try hard to make these lazy jokes work. Too bad the humor is still so unfunny. But brownie points for trying.

There really isn't much more I can say. A Haunted House is an unbelievably horrible film that I sorta hated. I can't remember the last time a comedy didn't bring an ounce of joy or humor. A Haunted House   might be the only comedy that didn't even make me crack a smile. I wonder how this movie even got made in the first place. However, A Haunted House 2 is already in development, thanks to the financial success of this first film. You know that meme, "I don't want to live on this planet anymore"? That rather perfectly sums up my mind. Half a star out of four.